Being a mom is easy, said no woman ever. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. In some areas, I rock. Patience is NOT one of those areas. Having four children did NOT improve my patience. It took me some time to figure out, there are certain things I will have to accept as a mom, because they will never change, no matter how much I beg.
1. When you ask kids to get in the car, someone is absolutely going to get in the driver’s seat and blow the horn, repeatedly, over and over and over. You sprint to the car, to make the madness STOP. Just as you reach for the handle, he leaps to his car seat, where you asked him to go in the first place. You try the handle. Your car door is locked. He can’t hear you yelling for him to unlock the door or else, because he is NOW in the back of the vehicle shouting HUH????? You’ve just been punked.
2. Children will NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER close the door when they are pooping. You will walk by every time and see the “O” shaped mouth and watery eyes (don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about). You ask why can’t they just close the door and excuses range anywhere from I forgot to I would miss you too much. That’s okay though because now that you know they are in there, you can go in behind them and flush, because they won’t do that either.
3. They will never put their toys where YOU want them. They will, however, put them where THEY believe they should go. I find toys in the kitchen cabinets, floor vents, cereal boxes and the clothes dryer. They passionately argue their point as to why these things should be stored in these places, but I can’t seem to follow their logic. This makes ME the crazy one in the conversation.
4. When a kid sits beside you during a meal, don’t expect to enjoy one bite. You will be sneezed on, hung on and your food will be assaulted. Your clothes will be used as a napkin. You will turn to see tiny fingers digging ice from your glass. If they chew a bite of something but just before swallowing, realize that it is not to their liking, that bite will be hurled at your plate, usually landing on the last bite of your favorite dish. At some point you will be the victim of a milk river racing toward your lap. Look at the bright side, it is on you and not the floor. Do yourself a favor, next time eat at the stove.
5. You will find boogers on every possible surface in your home and your car. You will find them in confusing places and spend hours trying to figure out just how they got them there. If you are lucky the booger will be fresh. The alternative dried boogers are much worse. Those require more effort and light weight power tools for remove.
6. If you make a bed, they will come. I don’t know what it is about a freshly made bed. Every time I make one, within five minutes someone is wallowing all over it, usually with their shoes.
7. Kids will mess with your electronics. Whether you are playing Song Pop on the iPad or blogging on the laptop, someone is going to innocently push the one button that erases your progress. Watching a show on the dvr? Kids are the only ones in the house who can actually find the reset button on the satellite. They will push it, right before the next American Idol is crowned. Then they will look at you with those huge baby blues and claim it was a total accident. How were they to know what that one little button could do?
8. Kids know the SECOND that you walk into a bathroom. You close the door and sit on the toilet or step into the shower and you hear a little voice on the other side: Mom? Mom? Hey Mom! What are you doing in there? Can I come in? Are you naked? The dog wants in, can she come in? I left my toy in there. I just want a hug. I love you? DO NOT FALL FOR THEIR SCAM. They will say anything to get on the other side of that door and why? Simply because it is a closed-door and you want a minute of peace.
9. Their lost stuff becomes your problem. Why is it THE toy that they must have right now is missing and it is up to YOU to find it? Please refer to number 3. If it were in the toy box where it belongs, this wouldn’t even be a discussion. I understand it is the ONE monkey that will help you sleep or the ONLY action figure that you wanted to take to show and tell. Although here is where you would like to say it is YOUR responsibility to keep up with your things and therefore YOU must go find it, you know they are going to make your life a living nightmare until they get their hands on that specific toy. You might as well quit lazing around doing laundry and dishes and help locate it.
10. Kids are not capable of understanding the word no. The kid asks a question, you reply no. He rephrases the question. You again say no. He changes his tone to that annoying whine and ask a third time. You say NO and don’t ask me again. He asks again. You chant under your breath: I will not debate a four-year old, I will not debate a four-year old. He asks, MOM! Can I now? Please? Yes? You run screaming from the room and lock yourself in the bathroom. Please refer to number 8.
These are a few of mine. Anyone have others? Come on! We are a sisterhood! I won’t tell your kids 😉