Selling A House Requires A New List Of Rules

Who needs a coffee maker, toaster or a Kitchen Aid mixer? Not us. I put those away. Trying to sell your house is a joy.

I can only write about things that I know. Things I live. Right now our house is listed on the market for sale. If you read my blog then you know what that means. I am living in a house that has been restored to like new condition. I should be happy. Right? The problem is there are four little people and a man who lives here with me. That changes everything.

By 8:00 this morning I had already made all the beds, shined all of the stainless steel appliances (these deserve a blog post all their own) and Windexed all of the bathrooms. All this just in case someone wants to take a gander at the house today. You always have to be prepared when your house is on the market. Do not be caught off guard looking like a normal family. People want to see your house in pristine condition and believe for just a moment that maybe, just maybe if their family lived here it could still look this way. It is all smoke and mirrors people.

I have given my children a new list of rules that they must follow as long as the house is for sale. These are just a few simple things that they can do to help me stay prepared. They owe me. Nine months. Times four.

1. We have three bathrooms in this house. I cleaned the guest bathroom. Then I locked the door. As in no one is allowed to use it. I need at least one room that I can keep clean at all times and this is the one. You can stand there and do your potty dance all you want but if I was you I would head upstairs to find another toilet.

2. You should limit the number of toys that you play with now. The more you get out the more you may have to scramble to put away in a moments notice. For your convenience I have placed all of the Legos in the closet on very high shelves. Nobody wants to pick those up.

3. Having your house listed is not conducive to sheet washing. What if I get the call just as I put your sheets in the washer? The horror. Please limit bodily fluids such as but not limited to pee, poop, boogers, snot and slobber from getting on your sheets. And don’t think you are coming to my bed when your bed is disgusting.

4. The trashcans throughout the house and especially in the bathrooms are now only for looks. If you have trash please take it to the kitchen can. Seriously, one toilet paper square? What do you even do with that?

5. The no shoes on the carpet rule has now been extended to no shoes in the house. I cannot mop myself to death. Better yet everyone should walk around in socks. Then you will actually be helping the cause.

6. From now on all food should be eaten outside. Or at least over the sink. Seriously, you people are like animals.

7. Don’t get too comfortable on the furniture. If you are comfortable then you are probably flattening all my cushions. Just sit on the floor. But don’t sit too long in one spot on the carpet. We don’t need uneven wear.

8. Wearing clothes two days in a row is now allowed. It is even encouraged. If you can get three days out of them, Mama will give you a special treat. I would say you can change your underwear every day but since you don’t wear any underwear what is the use. I finally understand your genius.

9. When you remove your dirty clothes, please place them, not on the floor, or even the in laundry basket. Please place them in the washer. Oh and if it looks full feel free to throw a Tide pod in there and press start. You have just washed a load of laundry. Good for you.

10. Do not touch anything that is shiny and pretty. No glass, mirrors, appliances or televisions. I know this is a hard one. If the pressure gets to be too much, feel free to go outside.

11. Do not touch the newly placed breakable things. We have lived many years without decorative, breakable things. And there is a reason. Now that the house is “staged” we have to pretend that we are allowed pretty things. We have to pretend like you don’t try to break everything that we own.

12. Pee pee goes in the toilet. Not on the floor. Or the wall. Or the shower curtain. Or your brother. Please focus on where your stream is flowing. Do not get distracted.

13. While the house is listed I ask that you do not catch any colds. I cannot take the added pressure of water faucets on your face. Also please refrain from booger picking. Better them in your nose driving you crazy than on my furniture driving me crazy. Use a tissue like civilized people. Just don’t throw it in the bathroom trashcan.

14. No friends allowed. I am sorry but the last thing that I need is more children in this house trying to work against me. As a matter of fact, see if you can’t get yourself invited over to a friend’s house. I really don’t need you here either.

15. Do not open any drawers or cabinets. You have no idea what I have stuffed into those. If you open a cabinet, chances are I will never be able to get everything back in there. Plus you may be injured by falling debris.

Okay. This is the list as of now. It is only day two though. I am sure I will have to add to it as we continue through this process. Nobody said this was going to be easy.

What are you whining about? I didn’t see you scrubbing any toilets this morning.

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