Yesterday was one of my kid free days. You know the days when all of my children are in school and I get to frolic around and do anything that I want. Well let me tell you that was absolutely zero frolicking going on.
I dropped off the baby at preschool. Yes I know he is four but when you are the last of four I am pretty sure you will be referred to as the baby of the family for your entire life. I think he is okay with that.
I was off to the local high school. You see last year I went through the traumatic experience of being fingerprinted and put into the government data base. Did I commit a crime you ask? No. I did this just so I could be a tier three volunteer in my children’s school. In other words, I get to go on field trips.
Obviously my love has no limits because as I just stated I willingly put my fingerprints into the system. Sure I have managed to live my life up to this point having done nothing illegal other than the occasional traffic infraction. But now I had better be super careful that I don’t break any laws. I am in the system.
Put it this way, my husband who is also a law-abiding citizen said there was no way he was getting fingerprinted voluntarily. He knows it is all a ploy by the government. Then they would have him right where they wanted him. It could be that he is a wee bit paranoid but we will save that for another post.
I show up at the school and assumed my position in line with the other mothers. We were waiting to have our official badges made. Meaning we had passed the fingerprint test and now we would receive our identification badge to wear any time we are at the school.
Hey, it is the only time in my life that anyone had offered me a badge and I was going to take it. I like to feel important too. I may even wear my badge around town. I am sure strangers will stop and ask me for directions and advice seeing how important I look.
One by one we were escorted back to the business room. The rest of us just waited our turn. Finally it was my turn. I made my way back to the official very important badge making room. I was ready.
My hair was brushed, lip gloss applied and I had put some thought into my smile. It was important to get the picture just right because this picture would have to last me for years. A replacement badge is 5 dollars. No one wants to cough that up.
So I had my smile down perfectly. A slight grin but no teeth. I couldn’t smile too big for risk of looking like I was trying WAY to hard. That and when I smile my cheeks push my eyes closed. Then I just look drunk. Like a bad mug shot. And no one wants to have drunk eyes on an official school identification badge. I had to focus.
The lovely lady asked me a few questions as she took my driver’s license and looked me up on her master list. I was sweating bullets. I mean what if for some reason I was not on her list? What if there had been some kind of glitch and my name wasn’t there? I couldn’t bear to take the walk of shame back through the sea of waiting women, badgeless. Then they would all know that I was an unfit mother. There would surely be a child services investigation later.
She found my name. Yes! She had me sign here, initial there, and here…and there…and here…..annnnnnd there. I am pretty sure I signed away my first-born BUT I really wanted that badge. All that was left was the picture. The very one that I had been practicing for all morning.
She told me to step up to the white line and look at the tiny little camera on the back of her computer monitor. Wait. Where was the photographer with his fancy lens? I just knew there was going to be special lighting and blowing fans. Aren’t we going for the hot mama look? No? Okay. We will go with this then.
The problem with being tall is the camera was too low. This meant that she had to tilt it up in order to capture my face. Now I have learned the hard way through the years that a camera shooting at an up angle does not always produce the most flattering pictures. In the past they have made me look bloated. Like my whole body was swollen. Maybe it is just me.
She counted slowly….3…..2…..I was ready. Hair smooth, dimples nice and deep. I made sure that my eyes said I am smart, a little sexy (not too much sexy though) and ready to work with YOUR children. And mine. Then….FLASH. It was done.
In a matter of seconds she was putting a clip on my new badge. It was official. She looked at me, smiled then handed me the badge. I looked down. And there it was. Gray hair? Did I look cross-eyed or drunk? Was there a pimple on my nose that I had missed?
No. None of those. The problem you see is I was naked. Or at least I looked naked. I had made a fatal error. I had worn a strapless maxi dress. The picture was cut off right above the chest and then placed on a badge that I would WEAR AT MY CHILDREN’S SCHOOL FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME.
Naked. Friendly smile, nicely groomed hair, and naked. Thank goodness I had on a necklace. At least it was a classy nudie.
My kids will be so proud.