Somebody come and save me. No really. I am hiding in the coat closet writing this blog. Why you ask? Oh it could be any number of things. The biggest probably those four little people who I gave birth to. The transition from school to summer months is always a process. They are at each others throats and dragging me into every single debate and skirmish.
Almost every waking moment there is someone bickering or tattling. Just today I had someone tell on his brother because he was looking at him. I asked him how he would know unless he was looking at him too. Somehow my voice of reason is never received as well as I would like.
Couple that with the fact that I am on this cleanse. Oh wait! I didn’t tell you about that? WELL let me enlighten you. I was working out with my trainer at the break of dawn one morning. If you haven’t read the post about The Evil One, now would be a good time to go back and read that first.
Okay so anyway, she had me right where she wanted me. I was hooked up to the torture devices that she calls exercise bands. I was in the middle of a move that was both painful and unnatural to the human body. That is exactly the way she likes it too. Next thing I know, she came floating over my way with her big perfect, toothy grin. I could see an extra sparkle in her eye. I knew something was on her mind.
I contemplated faking a torn muscle or a severe case of irritable bowel syndrome but I was not quick enough on me feet. She was RIGHT THERE. HOW DOES SHE DO THAT? My only hope was that she wanted to talk to one of the other two victims being held on the torture devices like myself. Then….she said my name. TOOOOOONNNNNNNNJAAAAAAA. Insert every swear word of choice here because I am sure it went through my brain. No one wants a one on one with her during exercise class.
Then it happened. She used my weakened state of mental and physical capacity against me. The words fell out of her mouth. “You know what would be SUPER FUN?? You should totally do a 21 day cleanse! Let’s rid that brain and body of all food addictions!! Doesn’t that sound like a hoot?” Okay maybe I am paraphrasing but you get the point. She said it all cheerleader like too. I think she even did a couple of back handsprings. What did I say? Sure sounds like fun! I am not even sure how she made those words come out of my mouth.
What is a cleanse you ask? It is 21 days without sugar, grain or dairy. Yes, it is kind of like a death sentence now that you mention it. I adore greek yogurt, pasta and cheese. Mmmmm cheese…… I am giving it a go though. I am a pretty tough cookie. Mmmmm cookie. Why do I continue to do every crazy things that woman asks me to do? Why? Well evidently I love torture.
The goal is to take back control of your body. You must decide that you want to live a healthier life and fill your temple with things that are good for it. No one wants to be a slave to anything. You must lead by example. You want healthy kids? You must lead the charge. Being responsible sucks sometimes.
So here I am on day three. Just day three. It is the hardest day yet. I am daydreaming about rolling around naked in a huge pile of processed sugar. Is that normal? Doesn’t everyone do that?
My daughter was eating a Laughing Cow cheese wedge. Have you tried these? She is such a traitor. While she had her back turned I stuffed my nose into the foil and took a smell so deep that I cannot be completely sure that there is not cheese stuck in my nose. It smelled heavenly.
I thought about a little taste. I closed my eyes and imagined licking that cheese wrapper completely clean, only to open them again to find my daughter staring at me. I must have looked like something of a crack addict in that moment. She said ” Really Mom?” When did she become so judgmental.
What am I allowed to eat you ask? Well lean meats and anything that grows from the ground. You know like anything that a cave man could have went out and secured for his family. Look I love veggies and fruit like anyone else. Now really, I do. I guess there is just something about knowing that you cannot have something that makes you want it more.
Luckily I am not the only one that The Evil One has put on this cleanse so there is actually a Facebook page where we all meet to commiserate and encourage one another. The only problem is SHE is also a member of this private page. So we can’t say things like she is insane or why does she hate us or there is more of us than her! LET’S GET HER!
Truth being told I actually believe she loves us. Each and every one of us. I think she wants great things for us. I would be lying if I didn’t say that she enjoys the torture a little though. Cause SHE TOTALLY DOES! I see her eyes. There was a gleam and sparkle in there when she said in slow motion: NOOOOOOOOO dairy NOOOOOOOO grain and NOOOOOO SUGAR. Bahahahahahahahaha.
Some people learn life lessons earlier than others. Turning 40 was powerful for me. I have always dabbled in being healthy. Now I want the real deal. If this woman wants to take me on then she is alright in my book. I will give her a tall order though. Push me to the brink of my capacity. Challenge me to things that I never dreamed possible. Force me to step outside of my comfort zone and strive to be the best me that I can possibly be. So far I would have to give her a check, check and a check on those demands.
One day in the distant future I will thank her for every push up, every situp and every burpee (if you don’t know what that is Google it but be warned, it is not for the faint). I will rave about her superior torture devices. I will thank her for every nutritional lesson and every personal challenge. However today is NOT THAT DAY. Today, I just try not to eat my weight in jalapeño white cheddar cheese. Mmmmm jalapeño white cheddar cheese. Baby steps. Baby steps 😉