An Open Letter To Andy Cohen: I Am A Real Housewife

Dear Andy,

I am a housewife and mother of four. I live in the suburbs in Tennessee. I started watching Bravo in 2006, when the Real Housewives of Orange County premiered. I was hooked instantly. I have watched New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, Washington D.C (that one, not so much) Beverly Hills, Miami (you can’t win them all) and most recently Potomac.

I have also watched every spin-off series that was produced by the shows And I think Lisa Vanderpump should run for President. I am a huge fan. You have helped shape pop culture and even more so, you have given everyday real housewives a modern-day version of what my mother used to call soaps.

These shows are our guilty pleasures. We cannot get enough. You Sir, are a genius.

Oftentimes though, when I am hanging out with my housewife friends, we are puzzled as to why we aren’t on a reality show. Maybe we could call it The Real, Real Housewives. Or The Paycheck To Paycheck Housewives. What do you think? I mean, you are the marketing genius so I should probably leave that decision to you.

There has to be a market for housewives with slightly less glamorous lives, who enjoy binge watching Bravo.

I can only imagine the pressure that comes with a camera crew following you around. I have heard the housewives say that the cameras are around so often that they actually forget that they are even there. I guess that is how you guys capture all of those crazy moments on the shows. The ones that we rewind and watch again. Over and over.

I know you probably worry that my friends couldn’t draw an audience like the women with affluence and famous friends. After all, it is a business and success is key. But I still believe there is a place for us.

My life definitely doesn’t have a wow factor or celebrity status appeal but let me tell you, it is ridiculously entertaining. Also my friends and I would have very few requests or demands so the budget would only be a fraction of what the current shows run you.

Let’s just think about it:

We aren’t going to require a beauty team to come and make us gorgeous everyday before filming begins. Heck, I rarely manage to put on a bra before I drive my children to school each morning. Do you think I have EVER worn fake eyelashes in my life?

I notice on these shows that the women always take expensive, exotic trips. I am sure Bravo pays for these trips and they look super pricy. Since none of my friends have nannies or in-house childcare, there would be no chance that any of us could swing a trip like that. We aren’t hard to impress. Maybe a trip to Whole Foods would suffice.

I have heard that sometimes the camera crews have a hard time getting into the gated communities that the Real Housewives oftentimes occupy. Their biggest problem here would be maneuvering through the sea of SUVs and minivans running carpool. As long as they pay attention to the crossing guards in school zones, they should have no issues.

Many of the Housewives episodes are centered around charity fundraisers and fancy events. It must be a logistical nightmare trying to film in large crowds of extras. Our charity events usually involve donating food to a pantry or taking filled trash bags of lightly used items to Goodwill. It should be super easy to document our charitable events. We Real, Real Housewives love to give back, as well.

On the Real Housewives the ladies are often going for procedures like Botox, massages or laser skin resurfacing. Didn’t Heather DuBrow even have leeches once? I guess if your husband is a renowned plastic surgeon then you really have to put yourself out there. Pretty much all we require is our roots painted every few weeks and maybe some nail gel at the salon. If you aren’t having to follow me around as I do all of that fancy stuff, you could be here instead watching me do laundry. Or scrubbing toilets. There’s nothing realer than that.

The Real Housewives love to go to lunch. We love to lunch as well. We have a small club called Ladies Who Lunch. The group consists of four charter members. We aren’t currently accepting new applications, at this time. I’ve never once thrown a drink in anyone’s face nor have I flipped a table. So the members of the filming crew would never be in harm’s way. And we’d certainly let you crash, Andy. Anytime.

I’ll stop there. I could plead my case all day but I know you are a busy man. Please don’t take this letter as me bashing the women of the Housewives shows. There are some amazing women on those shows and they provide the reality world with hours of unmatched entertainment. They are really my favorite shows on television.

I’m just saying we don’t all walk around in $1500 shoes. (Wait, I was guessing. Am I close?) While it is definitely fun to see how the other half lives, it would also be a hoot to document how the rest of us do it. The Real, Real Housewives, just trying to hold it down and keep it real.

Anyway. Take your time. Think about it. If you want a meeting just contact my people to set something up.

(That means just comment here and I’ll get back to you within seconds.)

You are fabulous, Andy! And keep doing what you do!

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