Along Came a Spider

I teach my children that fear is okay. You do not have to be ashamed when something scares you. Everyone has something that they are afraid of. Some people are afraid of the dark, others of flying. Heights, intimacy, death, rejection-these fears are probably on many people’s list. I know grown men who are afraid of circus clowns. That does not make them less of a man.

I have given birth to four babies. I am here to tell you that once you survive that feat, there is not much that scares you. Well except those four little pieces of your heart walking around out there in the world every day. Other than that I am pretty much bullet proof. Go ahead, give me what you got. I can handle it. I am not afraid of anything. Unless…..I spot a tiny spider.

You can laugh all you want. I know people who say just step on it or pick it up and put it outside. I am here to tell you that you people are deranged. The spider was obviously placed on this earth by the devil himself. I mean, eight legs? Does that seem normal to you? Why does he need 8 legs? That just means that any direction you try to run away, he is already headed that way. And the eyes? Have you ever seen a close up picture of the eyes? There is no soul in there. Go ahead, look into his eyes. They are on all sides of his head. You can be standing anywhere and he can see you. The problem is you blink your eyes and he is gone. And THAT my friend is where the real terror begins.

If I see a spider my first reaction is unbridled panic. I am careful to keep my eye on him as I survey the scene. I must determine my best exit strategy. I begin to make deals, like if you will let me out of this room, you can have the house. Once I choose my best passage out, whether it be a window or a door, I make my move. Worst case, the spider is between me and my only exit. If this occurs I become an Olympic hurdle jumper. I will leap over him as though he is 4 feet tall. I will run without looking back and quickly slam the door behind me (yes I know a spider can crawl under a door). Once on the other side, I go through my options. It is obvious that I can never go into the laundry room again. I debate moving or burning the house down at this point.

I am well aware that for every irrational fear, there are people on the other side of the table who think it is absolutely absurd. However, in this case, I will assure you that you are the crazy one. It is my duty as a mother to instill this fear in my children. They have to understand that spiders are the embodiment of the Angel of Darkness. They are evil and must be avoided at all cost. One night, not that long ago, I realized that I had failed.

I was relaxing in my chair. The overhead light was not necessary as the television was light enough. I was playing with my iPad, all was well with the world. In walked my son with something in his hand. He said “Look Mom.” At this point I assumed that he had a cut or a boo boo that he needed Mommy to kiss. Ahhh isn’t he the sweetest thing. I reached and turned on the lamp so I could see better. When I looked, I almost had an out of body experience. There on his hand, touching his SKIN, sat the most terrifying, hideous creature that I had ever seen. It was light brown and sure some would say smaller than a fly, but nonetheless a spider. I almost fainted.

But no, I had to act fast. My son was apparently oblivious to the danger that he was in. I couldn’t allow my normal flight instincts to take over. Without regard to my own safety, I did the only thing that I could think of. In one swift motion I smashed the spider and my son’s hand between my hand and my iPad. I know this was a risky move because A. he touched my hand and B. he touched my iPad but I had to protect my child. I asked my son why in the world would he ever PICK UP a spider? On purpose? Shocked by my reaction I suppose, he just stood there motionless. He was trying to make sense of what had just happened. The spider was there and then he was gone. My stealthy attack had left him speechless.

Chills went down my spine as a thought occurred to me. Where HAD the spider gone? What if I had actually missed? What if he was one of those jumping spiders? Or what if all of the little body parts were regenerating and forming some kind of super spider? I had to get out of there. About that time my youngest son came up behind me, and in my heightened state of fear, I karate chopped him and his favorite fake turtle. You can’t sneak up on a woman in flight mode.

How had this happened? One minute I was minding my own business and the next thing I was driven from my serenity. Let me warn you mothers, THIS is what little boys will do to you. Being a mother means putting your fears aside and doing whatever you must in order to protect your children. My son certainly looked at me innocently when I asked him if he had brought me the spider for his own entertainment. I am not so sure that I believe him. I mean, sure I’ll bet watching my reaction was hilarious, but to be so cruel? Wonder what he would think if he came home from school one day and his room was decorated in clowns?

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