Little Kids and Home Renovations, Isn’t That Practically An Oxymoron?

See that innocent face? Do not believe anything that he says. He totally drew on my wall with Sharpie.

For those who follow the saga that is my life (because it is so riveting), I thought I would update you on the whole new house process. If you read my post “You Want To Move? As In Take The Kids With Us?” then you know that we are moving. As in getting a different house. Eventually anyway.

First things first, we had to undo all of the damage that my four kids have done to this house or why in the world would anyone want to take it over? We have already managed to live through new carpet installation. If you have kids then you know that if someone is in your house working on anything, then it is your kids only goal in life to disturb the process. My kids and especially my boys are obsessed with anyone who dares enter this house with so much as a tool or other fancy device. And by fancy device I mean a ladder. Or duck-tape. Seriously. They’re too easy.

Luckily we only have carpet upstairs so I was able to keep them (mostly) contained to the lower level as the men worked for two days. I kinda deserve a medal after that but who is keeping tabs. Anything for the team. So with carpet out of the way there was no way around it. We would have to have some painting done to freshen up the place. We called our favorite handy man and by handy I mean way more awesome than me or my husband at fixing anything. Cause I can fix nothing. No wait, one time I fixed a Keurig coffee machine by descaling it (Yes, that is a thing. Google it). It worked too so I guess I am a little awesome. It’s okay. Please hold your applause until the end of the post.

What was I talking about again? OHHH that’s right. Painting. We felt sure he would point out some hot spots that needed to be repaired or patched because when you have four kids, you are going to have things happen to walls. It is inevitable. Accept this now and you will have a much easier existence. Or maybe you could build your kids a barn. I have kicked that idea around. A little too late to save this house though.

Anyway Best Handyman Ever dropped by to survey the damage and give us his recomendations. He walked through the house. With each room inspection a look of amazement would come across his face. Was he impressed with just how well we had taken care of the house? That had to be it. I mean no one has actually put anyone’s head through the sheet rock or anything. So that’s pretty good. Right?

I did notice about half way through that he stopped making notes in his little notebook. It was apparent that we needed so little done that he didn’t even need notes. We reached the boys bedrooms and suddenly he had seen enough. Then he dropped the bomb. We actually only needed every single square inch of every inside wall painted. No really. Every wall. And some ceilings.

Note to self: Those little sticky toys that kids like to throw at things (like the ceiling) and see how long it takes for them to come loose and fall to the ground are now banned from my house. No, from my universe. They bring nothing good into the world. Be gone.

Wow. Maybe next time he could try a little sugar-coating. He was right. I knew it all along. Four kids are too many for one house to contain without there being evidence of their existence. Repairs had to be made. He said he could start right away.

This may not sound like a big deal to some. You bite the bullet, get the work done, write the man a check and get ready to list the house. But if you have kids then you know what this means. It means that my only job for the next couple of weeks would be to allow Best Handyman Ever to do his job without me actually having to hog tie my children. It was not going to be easy.

Best Handyman Ever arrived for his first official day on the project. He came strutting in with his fancy paint cans, brushes, BLUE tape and adorable shoe covers. My kids stood silent, mouths hanging open. I told them that he was coming to repair the damage but I had failed to warn them about all of the cool stuff that he would bring with him. I mean a roller brush is just more than a little boy should have to take.

Immediately I started bribing them with pool trips, hours of mindless tv and chocolate. It actually worked. They fell for my tricks. They left him (mostly) alone. He had days and days of work ahead of him. I had many more tricks in my little bag. I was not above bribery. What I didn’t expect was that the person that would bother him the most, was not actually a person. It was our three-pound Yorkie Princess Leni Kravitz.

Anytime Leni laid eyes on Best Handyman Ever she made a bee line to him and if she had to wade through a paint pan to get to him, then so be it. I had to contain all of her love and affection. She was banished to the doggy crate. I am not cruel though. I did position the crate in a place where she could watch him work. She seemed satisfied with that.

It has been a week now since he started the job. More than half of the house is completed. I should be happy, right? I AM FREAKING OUT! Why? Because more than half of my house has been restored to good as new and my children still live here. I walk around a nervous wreck. I am seriously considering packing up every toy that they own and putting them in storage. I never realized just how much little kids like to bang toys into walls. And each other. And roller skates. (I totally threw out the roller skates.)

I am not sure that I will survive the renovations. After the painting is completed we will officially list the house on the market. For sale! Good as new! But please hurry cause we are on borrowed time here. I am only one woman. I can only hold off their demolition attempts for so long.

Please. Somebody buy this house. Or at least bring me a nerve pill 😉

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