What Exactly Goes On In That Closet?

It is hard to be a woman. As I watch my husband get ready for the day, the hardest thing I see on his list is shaving. Doesn’t look so tough considering I have to shave two legs. Even with that, shaving is not the hardest thing that we have to do.

It is not the body wash or moisturizing. It is not the shampooing or conditioning. It is not even the plucking or careful application of eyeliner. The most difficult thing that a woman has to do, happens in her closet.

Some days we wear athletic pants or a maxi dress (the best thing EVER invented as far as I am concerned). But on other days we are required to wear the wardrobe staple of stay-at-home moms across this land. We must wear….gulp….jeans. Just reading that word probably caused some anxiety. When everything else is done and it is time to get dressed, this is where the real work begins.

You take a deep breath and open the closet door. You zero in on the row of jeans. There are fancy jeans and everyday jeans. We all have at least two pairs of jeans hanging in our closet that there is absolutely no chance we will ever be able to squeeze into. These are our skinny jeans. They are in there as an incentive for those times when we think we want a second piece of pie.

Next you have your section of comfy jeans. Please don’t mistake comfy for comfortable. Comfy just means that we can wear this section on most days without feeling TOO tortured. Lastly you have fat jeans. These are for “that time” or if you had a big Mexican dinner…..three nights in a row. You must choose wisely. Now reach for that hanger.

You remove the jeans from the hanger. If any children are present NOW is the time to escort them out. NO child should have to witness what is about to go down. You hold up the jeans. Then you count to five and it is game on.

First you slip one foot in, then the other. By the time you get the jeans past your knees, you get a pretty good feel of how this is going to play out. I have, at times stopped right here, realizing that I had made a mistake. If jeans are feeling questionable at your knees you do NOT want to approach the thighs.

Slowly pull the jeans up one tug at a time, alternating sides. Be sure to NOT leave any slack at the thighs because trust me, you are going to need that slack later. Once you have both sides even and smooth, it is time for the real battle royal. The backside, behind, bottom, derriere, fanny, hindquarters, moneymaker, the GLUTEUS MAXIMUS. THIS my friend is where you better hope that you have upper body strength and great lung capacity. You are going to need both.

Every woman knows the wiggle. The only way to get jeans over the hump is with motion. You grab the waistband with both hands, pull one side, then the other, alternating back and forth. All the while moving your body in ways that your grandmother would NEVER approve of. It takes tugging, squirming, pulling and stuffing. Then it happens….the largest part of your hips are actually inside the pants. Yes! Hold on though….you are far from done.

Post babies you have to deal with muffin top. That is the extra skin that develops after pregnancy, that no matter what you do will JUST.NOT.GO.AWAY. You have to get as much of that as you can into those jeans. It is kind of like tucking in a shirt except it is your SKIN. Please remember though, unless you are wearing high-waisted mom jeans, there is no way it will ALL fit. You can only ask so much of denim. Accepting this from the start will make it much easier to swallow. Now, brace yourself. This is where real women are separated from little girls. It is time button your jeans.

Why do they use a button fly you ask? Because I don’t think a snap closure would hold in all of my…..uhhh….awesomeness. This is THE defining moment. If you can pull this off, without passing out, then it is going to be a good day. You take a gigantic breath, moving your lungs as far away from your stomach as humanly possible. Then you do three quick jumps to make sure the jeans are as far up as they can go. They must be at the skinniest part of your waste or this will never work. Then without any regard for the flesh on your fingers, you stuff that button into that hole. Without stopping you pull the zipper all the way to the top. I know women who have confessed to using pliers here. That is okay. Whatever it takes. Now you exhale for the first time in five minutes and take in a small breath because at this point, a large breath could blow that button fly wide open. It is finished.

They feel incredibly uncomfortable. These are never going to work but wait…..you are not done. I recommend three moves. First, a rapid fire succession of squats. This will confuse the jeans, am I standing, am I sitting, I just don’t know. Next bend over and touch the floor. This will loosen the waist. Finally, three Karate kicks on each leg. These will help pull any remaining slack up to your thighs.

You are the victor. You look at your fat jeans hanging up there and chuckle. You look at your skinny jeans hanging there and wink. I am coming for YOU next time. Then you sashay out of that closet effortlessly. No one has to know what just occurred in there because look how good you look? Lord have mercy, baby’s got her blue jeans on 😉

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