Will My Kids Ever Work in This Town?

Being a parent today is no easy feat. Forget worrying about frivolous things such as if you will be able to feed them or pay for medical attention or put a roof over their head. What you really need to focus on is if they will ever get into college. That’s right! Today’s educational experience is nothing like when I was in school. Now, I am not saying that is a bad thing. I am just saying by the time your kid is in preschool (Oh your kid didn’t go to preschool? well he is screwed then) the heat is on.

Soon after you deliver your baby, the mom pressure begins. We compare all milestones, when Jr. walked, when he talked, when he recited his first Constitutional amendment. If you feel as though your child is slipping behind, now is the time to consider outside resources. Whether it’s a speech therapist, a nutritionist, a tutor or a fashion advisor, you have to act now or you will be labeled a complacent mom. Be sure your child is properly socialized so no one thinks he is a weirdo. Put all of your activities and hobbies on the back burner for the next 20 years or so and get that kid out there! Mommy groups, church groups, local parks and play facilities are a must. If you can invite at least 20 kids to his first birthday party, that is a plus.

The next milestone is preschool. You must apply to no less than five schools BEFORE the child is born to ensure that you have a spot. Make sure to pick the school that will teach your child at least two foreign languages and pre algebra. He will need to have these skills mastered by kindergarten. While your sweetie is in preschool, do not use this time as ME time but rather to better their school experience. Sign up for roommom. If someone beats you to it, then you must get that mom’s phone number and let her know that you would be thrilled to co-roommom, because you love your kid JUST AS MUCH as she does. Show up to the class room and offer to sharpen pencils or cut things out. Never be caught at home watching The Real Housewives on your iPad. If a friend drops by unexpectedly, you must fake working on next month’s supper menu OR something equally as important. We cannot let others think we have free time.

Next comes the biggie: Kindergarten, government required education. This is no place for the weak, fake it till you make it. Unlike when I was in school, kindergarten is no longer a time to get a child acclimated to leaving mom and dad, where they play and frolic and sing songs all day. This is where the rubber meets the road. They better know their numbers, letters, colors, shapes and letter sounds including blends before they darken the door because if they don’t? YOU are a failure. You will be given progress reports and told that your child needs to work on this and strive for that. This is where the real anxiety begins. Where did I go wrong in preschool? Why does my child not understand the difference between “b” and “d”???

If you don’t already have your child in at least two extracurricular activities, then you had better move fast. Soccer, ball room dance, piano, karate, chess or a cooking class are all good starts. You have to be seen running ragged after school hours racing your child from activity to activity. Oh but be sure to work in the healthy, home prepared family meal because take out and/or eating in the car is frowned upon. Once you are home for the evening, it is still not time to rest. You will read to your child, work on math facts, spelling words and any other areas of weakness. This must be done until the child is at the point of delirium. When this occurs, it is finally bedtime, for the child, NOT you. You can round out your evening with tomorrow’s supper prep, packing school lunches or one of your leisurely pass times, such as laundry. Now if you are at the point of exhaustion go ahead and crawl into bed and get your four hours. That is unless Jr. wakes with a tummy ache or the flu. Because tomorrow? We shall do it all again.

Now unfortunately I can only give you insight up through elementary school. I am almost afraid to let my mind wander into middle school life. I still have a couple more years to live in oblivion. I am only here to tell you that MY mother didn’t stress out like this. She never was asked to help do homework because we didn’t have it until we could do it on our own. She never wondered if I would benchmark in long division or be able to conjugate my French verbs. She just assumed that I would. Today is a new day and I am happy for my children. They will have so many opportunities growing up in these times. The question is what becomes of us moms? What do we do when they are all gone, living their own lives, that we worked our tails off to help set up for them? What will we moms compete in? What will we talk about? What will we conjugate? What will we do when they are actually surgeons and dentists and world published poets and world renowned chefs? I will tell you what. I am going to be playing tennis, right beside my swimming pool, at my mansion that my four appreciative, happy, well-adjusted RICH children bought for me. And I will probably have my elderly mother there in her wheel chair, doing homework with my grandchild, who she is babysitting, because I did my time! Now drill those multiplication facts old lady! I have a tennis match!

Prescription medicament use on the rise in the United States. Part 2