Last Night I Almost Smothered My Husband. Don’t Judge.

You know I would never actually smother my husband. Right? I am a law-abiding citizen and a rule follower. I love my husband. But at 3:00 A.M. the line of fantasy and reality can get a little blurry.

What is it about the aging process that sucks all of the fun out of sleeping? Do you remember your twenties? I will never sleep that soundly again. Back then I could sleep the entire night without waking once. I didn’t know what a luxury that was. I took sleep for granted. It was a given.

Then kids come along and I totally get that. You can’t sleep well when you are constantly having to get up and place a tiny mirror under your first baby’s nose, just to make sure that she is still breathing.

Don’t act like you didn’t.

And sure you get over that by the time the second baby comes along. Except now that first baby is a toddler. And toddlers can be worse sleepers than newborns. Well, that and now you have a newborn.

Also why does every kid wants to start their day at 5:00 A.M? I remember questioning my sanity many times back in those days. Lack of sleep will make you feel crazy. But I held on to the fact that one day I would sleep again. Sweet, sweet slumber.

Ummm….no.

The only people now who sleep well in this house are my children. And my husband. That is right. Everyone but me.

I am not sure where the switch actually flipped. Having small kids for so many years made the line a little confusing. But I do know that after pushing four babies out of my vagina, I can NEVER go a full night without having to get up and go to the bathroom, at least once. Sometimes twice.

The bathroom trips are really the least of my worries though. Because lying in bed is now a painful experience. Everything hurts. My back hurts. My neck. My shoulders. I don’t remember having these problems in my twenties. And trust me, the mattress that I used in my twenties was questionable, at best. How can stuff just start hurting, as you toss and turn on a pillow top mattress? Because it does.

Plus there is my brain. Once I am awake at any point during the night, my brain is wide open. This can be the hardest thing to deal with. In the middle of the night I actually do my best worrying. And planning. And plotting. Plotting things like…..how I am going to get my husband to stop snoring.

Oh, right. Now you understand the title.

My husband wasn’t always a snorer. But I guess age can do a number on men as well. Because now, after almost thirteen years of marriage, his snoring is in full effect.

Until you have lived it, you just can’t understand. The wee hours of the night and you are awake. You just went and peed, you shoulder is killing you, you are both hot AND cold, forcing you to take ONE leg out from under the covers (because that makes perfect sense). Your brain is already planning the family budget for the month of October.

You fight through all of that, finally feeling yourself getting groggy again. You have found a semi-comfortable position. You feel yourself drifting off into peaceful bliss.

And at that exact moment, your husband (who is SOUND asleep by the way) rolls over towards you, placing his face right next to your face, and he begins to snore a snore, that could pull the paint from the walls.

In that instant, you hate him with a fiery passion.The very man whom you vowed your unwavering devotion and chose to father your children. You HATE him. And not only because he woke you, but more importantly because HE is asleep. He is always asleep. He never tosses and turns. He never has to go make potty at 3 A.M.

I know it is not his fault. He certainly would never choose to infuriate his wife, while he is asleep. And defenseless. And I try to remember that fact.

I even bought a sound machine in an attempt to not hear him. Every night I turn on the machine and listen to the waves of the ocean crashing beside my bed. On those nights when my husband snores louder than most, I turn the sound machine up louder. Secretly hoping that he will awake in fear. Afraid that he is drowning in those loudly crashing waves.

Some would say: Passive aggressive. I say don’t judge.

Some nights I try to think outside the box. I have contemplated pushing him off the bed and using his groggy state to convince him that it was all a bad dream. I have thought about setting my wave crashing sound machine right on his face. I have also considered pinching his nostrils together, just enough to force him out of restful sleep. Where he would then find me, faking restful sleep. Like an Academy Award Winner.

But I do not actually do any of things. Because I am not a sociopath. I have a conscience. I just want to sleep.

Now that I have documented my struggle, I feel sure that my husband will forever sleep with one eye open. And I can’t blame him. But no worries, he is getting an appointment for a sleep study. I am sure the doctors will help get him breathing better and resting in no time.

Then I can go back to not sleeping for the right reasons. All while my husband sleeps like a baby.

Prescription medicament use on the rise in the United States. Part 2